Saturday, August 23, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Cab Ride to the Border: A Memoir
Portland, Oregon's working class has a contempt for the upper social class like no other I've seen. The poor, poor dears if they only knew what it felt like to get cramps from holding fists full of cash! If those Little Beiruties spent a day in my Jimmy Choo's they wouldn't be so quick to judge. It literally took me hours to find a condo in the Pearl. HOURS!
Just the other night when the Harry Swindells-Schnitzer and I were leaving the Weiden Kennedy Champagne-A-Thon fundraiser for The School of The Americas, I felt a strange sensation. Was it that time of the year? My insides where shivering like one of those Street Roots volunteers. I clutched my tiny waist as we got into the strangest looking limo. It was short, with only four doors. Was this the new hummer I had heard about? No. That's not it. The interior was not leather. The smell reminded me of mother... Channel Numba 5 served up straight in an ashtray. I leaned over to Harry to ask him if we had any of that crushed aspirin he's so fond of shoving up his nose when he blurted out, "Let's make a run for the border!"
"Good lord Harry! Canada? This time of night? What on earth would we do in Canada?" Pamplemoose season was not for another month or so. Oh, how I missed scatter shot and gin parties up north. One year Uncle Jeff Gianola and I bagged a nice 4 point Pamplemoose. I haven't had that much fun since babysitting for Neil Goldschimdt!
"Kendell! Making a run for the border is a little trick I picked up from the kids at The Lakewood Center for the Arts. After a night of drinking they get in their parents Bentley's and drive to the nearest Taco Bell and order food through the window of the car!"
"Taco what?" What on earth was Mr. Swindells-Schnitzer talking about? I was feeling empty. Had I not drunk 4 bottles of champagne? Normally that does the trick but tonight was different.
"Taco Bell you drunk bitch! Taco Bell!" He kept shouting and pointing. The limo driver turned around and looked me right in the face. I hadn't seen the eyes of a limo driver in years!
"I don't make 'runs to the border.' It stinks up the cab." Cab? What was all of this gibberish I was hearing tonight.
"Darling Harry, I feel queer and all this eye contact from the limo driver is making me uncomfortable." I said, holding my stomach. "I think I am hungry."
"That settles it. Driver! Take us to Taco Bell at once!" barked Harry.
"Couldn't we go to Four Seasons or something?," the city was starting to look blurrier than usual.
The limo driver turned around and looked me in the face again. She must have left her manners at home along side her drivers cap! "Lady, this is Portland, Oregon. It's not my job to cart your sorry drunk ass around and take orders from your gigolo. You want to go to Taco Bell, suit yourself. You are what you eat, corporate, mad-cow, soul-sucking scum!"
I will end this story here because I can't quite rememba what happened next. I tend to black out just when things get interesting. Harry must have gone home on his own. There were yellow wrappers and what seemed a million little pieces of lettuce everywhere...
Photo of Kendall Cassadine-Shapiro by Annie Leboweitz for Vanity Fair
Just the other night when the Harry Swindells-Schnitzer and I were leaving the Weiden Kennedy Champagne-A-Thon fundraiser for The School of The Americas, I felt a strange sensation. Was it that time of the year? My insides where shivering like one of those Street Roots volunteers. I clutched my tiny waist as we got into the strangest looking limo. It was short, with only four doors. Was this the new hummer I had heard about? No. That's not it. The interior was not leather. The smell reminded me of mother... Channel Numba 5 served up straight in an ashtray. I leaned over to Harry to ask him if we had any of that crushed aspirin he's so fond of shoving up his nose when he blurted out, "Let's make a run for the border!"
"Good lord Harry! Canada? This time of night? What on earth would we do in Canada?" Pamplemoose season was not for another month or so. Oh, how I missed scatter shot and gin parties up north. One year Uncle Jeff Gianola and I bagged a nice 4 point Pamplemoose. I haven't had that much fun since babysitting for Neil Goldschimdt!
"Kendell! Making a run for the border is a little trick I picked up from the kids at The Lakewood Center for the Arts. After a night of drinking they get in their parents Bentley's and drive to the nearest Taco Bell and order food through the window of the car!"
"Taco what?" What on earth was Mr. Swindells-Schnitzer talking about? I was feeling empty. Had I not drunk 4 bottles of champagne? Normally that does the trick but tonight was different.
"Taco Bell you drunk bitch! Taco Bell!" He kept shouting and pointing. The limo driver turned around and looked me right in the face. I hadn't seen the eyes of a limo driver in years!
"I don't make 'runs to the border.' It stinks up the cab." Cab? What was all of this gibberish I was hearing tonight.
"Darling Harry, I feel queer and all this eye contact from the limo driver is making me uncomfortable." I said, holding my stomach. "I think I am hungry."
"That settles it. Driver! Take us to Taco Bell at once!" barked Harry.
"Couldn't we go to Four Seasons or something?," the city was starting to look blurrier than usual.
The limo driver turned around and looked me in the face again. She must have left her manners at home along side her drivers cap! "Lady, this is Portland, Oregon. It's not my job to cart your sorry drunk ass around and take orders from your gigolo. You want to go to Taco Bell, suit yourself. You are what you eat, corporate, mad-cow, soul-sucking scum!"
I will end this story here because I can't quite rememba what happened next. I tend to black out just when things get interesting. Harry must have gone home on his own. There were yellow wrappers and what seemed a million little pieces of lettuce everywhere...
Photo of Kendall Cassadine-Shapiro by Annie Leboweitz for Vanity Fair
Monday, August 4, 2008
Is John McCain Mentally Retarded or Just Dumb?
John McCain Dumb or Retarded:
John Admits He Is Dumb, but maybe that is because he is mentally retarded:
John Admits He Is Dumb, but maybe that is because he is mentally retarded:
Friday, May 23, 2008
Randi Rhodes says: BLOG!
After a few weeks of not being able to fully stomach Randi's drunken re-entry into a less censored working environment I can finally listen to her words and hear the truth again.
I totally agree with talk radio goddess Randi Rhodes. I heard her say, but can not quote her directly but I'm pretty sure she said blogging is really important. It's how the American people will have their voices heard. In the wake of voter fraud, corporate media censorship, and elected officials who don't actually listen to the people who voted for them.
Post a blog. Shape the world. Let your voice be heard.
photo credit: Smoke Dogg
I totally agree with talk radio goddess Randi Rhodes. I heard her say, but can not quote her directly but I'm pretty sure she said blogging is really important. It's how the American people will have their voices heard. In the wake of voter fraud, corporate media censorship, and elected officials who don't actually listen to the people who voted for them.
Post a blog. Shape the world. Let your voice be heard.
photo credit: Smoke Dogg
Friday, April 25, 2008
Reverend Jeremiah Wright on Bill Moyers
If you didn't get a chance to watch the April 25th, 2008 episode of Bill Moyers Journal you can watch it on his website:
http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/04252008/watch.html
The Reverend Jeremiah Wright is a thoughtful, intelligent, passionate and beautiful man. As always I am astounded that Bill Moyers gives America a chance to heal. Bill Moyers television show can be downloaded on iTunes for free... Check it out. Fill up your iPod shuffle with something deeply touching and essential. The link to iTunes is on Bill Moyers webpage.
http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/04252008/watch.html
The Reverend Jeremiah Wright is a thoughtful, intelligent, passionate and beautiful man. As always I am astounded that Bill Moyers gives America a chance to heal. Bill Moyers television show can be downloaded on iTunes for free... Check it out. Fill up your iPod shuffle with something deeply touching and essential. The link to iTunes is on Bill Moyers webpage.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Onion Jane's: I'm so satired!
Here's a play I'm writing about a woman who works at a restaurant called Onion Jane's Obscure Simple Fare Pita's:
Cast of characters:
Girl works at Onion Jane's. When she is not covered in pita flour she cleans up real nice. She enjoys making pitas and does not appreciate being harassed by strangers and does not make any qualms about letting people know when she's been wronged. In fact she delights in using her internet prowess to share and connect with other wronged individuals with similar plights.
Mr. Big Shot lives in a completely alternate reality, which makes it impossible for him to treat minimum wage earners with dignity and respect. He also walks around like he "owns the place" and talks really loud. He tends to think he is some mafioso who uses thuggish intimidation tactics to conduct his business. Mr. Big Shot likes to throw his weight around. He doesn't know how to form successful partnerships between him and his colleagues. His inability to nurture and promote strong and healthy, as well as lucrative growth in his professional endeavors leaves him feeling compelled to belittle others and strong arm them. Poor guy is really the inverse of Willy Loman only exactly as pathetic.
Girl is on stage making pita inside of Onion Jane's when the phone rings.
Girl (answers ringing phone): Thank you for choosing Onion Jane's in Sturgeon Stream will this be for put down or apology?
Mr. Big Shot (offstage): Uh... well, I'm not sure. I have this coupon that came with my hair club for men subscription.
Girl: Sir, will this be for put down or apology?
Mr. Big Shot: Well, uh how much for an apology? Actually do you have a special?
Girl: With any extra large put down you can offer your apology at no extra charge.
Mr. Big Shot: geeze I don't even like apology. but I think my wife does...
So this is all I have so far! -- Ste. Goldie
PS
Did I tell you about my friend Jim's stinky Garlic breath? It's been made Famous. Gourmet burps are disgusting! uhm... PIZZA!
Cast of characters:
Girl works at Onion Jane's. When she is not covered in pita flour she cleans up real nice. She enjoys making pitas and does not appreciate being harassed by strangers and does not make any qualms about letting people know when she's been wronged. In fact she delights in using her internet prowess to share and connect with other wronged individuals with similar plights.
Mr. Big Shot lives in a completely alternate reality, which makes it impossible for him to treat minimum wage earners with dignity and respect. He also walks around like he "owns the place" and talks really loud. He tends to think he is some mafioso who uses thuggish intimidation tactics to conduct his business. Mr. Big Shot likes to throw his weight around. He doesn't know how to form successful partnerships between him and his colleagues. His inability to nurture and promote strong and healthy, as well as lucrative growth in his professional endeavors leaves him feeling compelled to belittle others and strong arm them. Poor guy is really the inverse of Willy Loman only exactly as pathetic.
Girl is on stage making pita inside of Onion Jane's when the phone rings.
Girl (answers ringing phone): Thank you for choosing Onion Jane's in Sturgeon Stream will this be for put down or apology?
Mr. Big Shot (offstage): Uh... well, I'm not sure. I have this coupon that came with my hair club for men subscription.
Girl: Sir, will this be for put down or apology?
Mr. Big Shot: Well, uh how much for an apology? Actually do you have a special?
Girl: With any extra large put down you can offer your apology at no extra charge.
Mr. Big Shot: geeze I don't even like apology. but I think my wife does...
So this is all I have so far! -- Ste. Goldie
PS
Did I tell you about my friend Jim's stinky Garlic breath? It's been made Famous. Gourmet burps are disgusting! uhm... PIZZA!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Kitties Are Magical, Right?
My friend Maria Jett reminded me that no one knows how or why they purr.
The internet is magical.I did a google image search of 'kitties are magical' and this image came up. it's off of some blog by SparkleFarkle
The internet is magical.I did a google image search of 'kitties are magical' and this image came up. it's off of some blog by SparkleFarkle
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
News Flash: Don't self sabotage!!!
This is a one act play about a 30 year old woman who works at a Onion Janes Obscure Simple Fare Pitas. Her name is Moldie.
Moldie: Oops. (her hand slips while cutting a pizza and slices the chest of the guy from corporate)
Corporate Guy: Actually I get cut into 8 peices CUZ I'M A LARGE!!!!!
Moldie: (wiping pizza cutter on a dirty bar towel) Well no body told me.
Corporate Guy drops to the ground and the gel in his hair catches fire from being to close to the pizza oven.
THE ENDZ
Moldie: Oops. (her hand slips while cutting a pizza and slices the chest of the guy from corporate)
Corporate Guy: Actually I get cut into 8 peices CUZ I'M A LARGE!!!!!
Moldie: (wiping pizza cutter on a dirty bar towel) Well no body told me.
Corporate Guy drops to the ground and the gel in his hair catches fire from being to close to the pizza oven.
THE ENDZ
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Quit Bein' A Liar, Bitch!
Maria Jett started a new blog and I am gonna post blogs there.
It's called Quit Bein' a Liar, Bitch!
Please feel free to stop by and shape the conversation.
It's called Quit Bein' a Liar, Bitch!
Please feel free to stop by and shape the conversation.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tonight on The Tom Green Show: Andy Dick
I finally remembered to check out the Tom Green Show that is streamed live on the internet.
If you have skype you can skype him!
If you have skype you can skype him!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Boehms Edelweiss Chalet Is My Jesus Du Jour
Wow.
I just finished my first box of Boehms chocolate.
(I don't want to close my eyes... right?)-- Image from Boehms site
Boehms chocolate is DELICIOUS AND WONDERFUL!
I just finished my first box of Boehms chocolate.
(I don't want to close my eyes... right?)-- Image from Boehms site
Boehms chocolate is DELICIOUS AND WONDERFUL!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Web 2.0 Tools: No One Get's Left Behind!*
Are you afraid you can't keep up with Web 2.0? It's really not that hard to make headway. After one day of using the following tools I guarantee you will feel empowered and ready to conquer the internet!
Join StumbleUpon, Skype and Google Reader and not only connect with me online but you will be familiarizing yourself with the tools an entire generation of humans already use.
1. StumbleUpon is a social bookmarking site. When I come across something I share with you I no longer copy and paste the url into an email I click a button on my StumbleUpon tool bar send it to you with a short note. My StumbleUpon homepage has all of the pages i have liked and reviewed... PLUS THE BEST PART -- I come across sites I am so grateful for! It's better than reading a magazine. I spend time stumbling and stumbling (learning and reading and laughing).
2. Skype: I use this as my "instant messenger". I leave it on when I am online. My cohorts send me notes and link and stuff... I know someone who uses it frequently to call England...
3. Google Reader... ANY FEED READER WILL DO. I just use Google Reader because I do.
FEEDS are the #1 way I navigate the internet. Please understand that this isn't a FAD. This isn't a little kid "social media" thing... it's like subscribing to a newspaper or magazine... anytime a site (whether it be a friends blog or a human rights site) updates you get an alert. No more wondering or forgetting. First thing in the morning I open up my email and then I open up my reader and drink my coffee...
Questions? Comments? Please do not be afraid to leave a question or comment here. You can use a code name :-)
*"no one get's left behind!!!" (photo from Little Miss Sunshine) one of the best uses of that phrases ever...
Join StumbleUpon, Skype and Google Reader and not only connect with me online but you will be familiarizing yourself with the tools an entire generation of humans already use.
1. StumbleUpon is a social bookmarking site. When I come across something I share with you I no longer copy and paste the url into an email I click a button on my StumbleUpon tool bar send it to you with a short note. My StumbleUpon homepage has all of the pages i have liked and reviewed... PLUS THE BEST PART -- I come across sites I am so grateful for! It's better than reading a magazine. I spend time stumbling and stumbling (learning and reading and laughing).
2. Skype: I use this as my "instant messenger". I leave it on when I am online. My cohorts send me notes and link and stuff... I know someone who uses it frequently to call England...
3. Google Reader... ANY FEED READER WILL DO. I just use Google Reader because I do.
FEEDS are the #1 way I navigate the internet. Please understand that this isn't a FAD. This isn't a little kid "social media" thing... it's like subscribing to a newspaper or magazine... anytime a site (whether it be a friends blog or a human rights site) updates you get an alert. No more wondering or forgetting. First thing in the morning I open up my email and then I open up my reader and drink my coffee...
Questions? Comments? Please do not be afraid to leave a question or comment here. You can use a code name :-)
*"no one get's left behind!!!" (photo from Little Miss Sunshine) one of the best uses of that phrases ever...
It's Snowing in Downtown Vancouver
It's 2:35am in downtown Vancouver, Washington and it's snowing... I hope the snow stays till morning.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Faux Hubris
I just want to make sure y'all know I coined the term 'faux hubris'.
That would also sum up the entire career of Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson.
More on faux hubris if you want to hear about something awesome.
If you don't like hearing about awesome things then I won't waste my time spelling out for you something you are not interested in.
Besides I don't know if you'd get it anyway.
Nothing about you, it's just I really know what I am talking about and I wouldn't want to embarrass you.
That would also sum up the entire career of Will Ferrell and Owen Wilson.
More on faux hubris if you want to hear about something awesome.
If you don't like hearing about awesome things then I won't waste my time spelling out for you something you are not interested in.
Besides I don't know if you'd get it anyway.
Nothing about you, it's just I really know what I am talking about and I wouldn't want to embarrass you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
